Hello, August and hello, readers! Here’s to a new month, new energy, new goals – and new approaches to conquering any barriers to those things that hold us back from actualizing the things we most want in life.
My name is Julia, and welcome to the first official day of the “Fuel for Success” blog series. For the same reason I hate going to a new doctor, I dislike what I must share today – a baseline introductory post (bleh!). Am I the only person who despises outlining my life’s details? I always feel as though, given how much I've been through, it comes across as a whopping “woe as me" advertisement. But to put things in perspective and to provide sensical context for posts in the weeks ahead, here we go… if you know me personally or have followed me for a while and know a bulk of this information already, apologies!
The Then: Where it All Began
Starting at the age of four, and for twenty years thereafter, I studied classical ballet intensively. Today, though I no longer train, I still first refer to myself as a former dancer whenever someone asks what I do. As likely all other artists of any caliber know, one’s craft remains a part of you even long after one “retires.” And, for me, ballet is what set the stage for nearly every professional event that has taken place since my completion of secondary education. As a ballet instructor of nearly ten years, I continue to teach per diem and now specialize in fitness coaching (personal training, group fitness classes, and recreation coordinating at the university level).
I have long thought that alongside ballet, the other word synonymous with my name is perfectionism. Always holding myself to incredibly high (and sometimes even unattainable) standards, from my dancing to my performance in school and even silly things like board games, any work produced by myself deemed less than exceptional is what I consider a failure. I still remember the first time I received an 84 on a Social Studies test in fourth grade and my response: tears. Throughout the entirety of my schooling, scoring below a 90 would trigger a response anywhere between anger and complete defeat.
Combine this type-A personality with extreme familial stress and an overarching lack of control in life, and a perfect storm was created that fostered the thing that will forever haunt me: anorexia nervosa. In short, my parents forced me into a bed at Strong Memorial Hospital (Rochester, NY) in October 2007 (at the age of 11 – that’s right), as the final resort. After six months of starving myself, hiding food in Ziploc bags in my closet, and staring at my sucked-in stomach in the mirror, I measured 5 feet tall and 68 pounds upon admittance to the specialized eating disorder in-patient recovery program at Strong. Needless to say, I have not looked back since, but my anorexia remains an integral part of my ability to live and function, every day.
During my formative years, I presented with some underlying GI issues, in that I faced constipation arguably more regularly than the average child/teen. I am unsure if the every day stress translated to my gut even as early as 8 years old, but I distinctly remember being afraid of passing a bowel movement (I’m still perplexed as to why, but I believe it to have something to do with potential pain). If this doesn’t illustrate my level of anxiety from the get-go, I do not know what else could. As such, I would hold my BMs in for as long as possible, and I wonder, now, if this laid some of the foundation for my current digestive problems.
To cap it all off, I am a lifelong sufferer of very severe ocular migraines. Since age 3 (and per recounts from both of my parents), I have gotten horrifyingly agonizing migraines characterized by: distorted/impaired vision; unilateral tingling/numbness through the arms, legs, face, and tongue; intense nausea and vomiting; and nearly intolerable pain. I have lived in fear of my migraines for as long as I can remember, and even now at 27, the onset of one terrifies me. Despite trying a variety of preventative and upon-onset medications, nothing has proved to reduce the symptoms. As such, I am forced to endure until the migraine decides to pass (one time, I could not take it, and I begged my parents to take me to the ER, where they gave me morphine as no weaker drug even touched the pain).
Providing some additional clarity to the above, I was also formally diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder during my treatment period at Strong Memorial Hospital. Years later in high school, I displayed depressive symptoms in conjunction with my anxious tendencies and was prescribed medication for both diagnoses. I have been living with so many physical, mental, and emotional burdens since my birth, which I know has only further contributed to my unhappy GI tract.
The In-Between: Next Steps
I received my first colonoscopy and endoscopy duo in 2012 at age 16, after concerns arose regarding habitual gagging during mealtimes, which made it difficult to get food down. Finding nothing but acid reflux during the procedure, my doctor believed the symptoms were arising from stress (I wonder from where?) and went so far as to say that I had a “beautiful” colon (what a compliment!). At the time, I had been struggling, too, with POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome) for two years, but that is a whole other story for another time.
Fast forward to 2018… I had my second colonoscopy, performed by my “grown up” gastroenterologist, and, again, no structural deformities were found (phew!). At that time, my specialist diagnosed me with IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome), recognizing the atypical tendencies of my gut.
In spring of 2019, I first tested positive for SIBO (Small Intestinal Bacterial Overgrowth) and was given antibiotics in an attempt to clear out the excess levels of bacteria in my small bowel. Upon a re-test following the course of Xifaxan, I tested SIBO negative (yay!). However, my bloating, distention, constipation, and overarching discomfort did not dissipate. In fact, I started developing heightened pain in the upper abdominal region, mimicking a stabbing sensation that necessitated my lying down for hours with a heating pad across my stomach to feel any type of relief. Having experienced similar irritation monthly during my menstrual cycle, I had always assumed it to be my IBS acting up due to period cramps and/or hormonal changes. But these flares started occurring A LOT more frequently and not directly in conjunction with my cycle. And just to feel even better about myself, I started developing sphincter spasms (how sexy am I?!).
At a follow-up appointment, after complaining of increased rates of bloating, constipation, and gut tenderness (to the touch, even), my gastroenterologist performed an endoscopy to rule out GERD (Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease). As before, acid reflux “damage” was found, but not large-scale. I was prescribed omeprazole, to be taken daily. In addition, my doctor requested I re-test for SIBO, and guess what? POSITIVE yet again! I was given another set of antibiotics, this time a course of Doxycycline and Flagyl, back-to-back. Not only did these make me sick in other ways (hello lady troubles), but they did not kill the SIBO, as evidenced during my post-antibiotic re-test. So all of that… for nothing.
Keeping score? At this point I was struggling with two co-existing, highly active conditions: SIBO and IBS.
The Cherry on Top
In the wake of COVID, my gut reached its most aggravated state. Like much of the world, the stress of finances and seeming impending doom, as well as too much “at home” time, exacerbated whatever existing symptoms I already had. In May of 2021, I had my third and most up-to-date colonoscopy which found, wait for it… CROHN'S DISEASE. As anxiety-inducing as those words were (and I still remember how nervous I was upon hearing them), this diagnosis made a world of sense – the stabbing, the random but endless upper GI pain wasn’t just in my head… it was real and traceable! Per my doctor’s estimations, my SIBO and IBS were still alive and well, with the Crohn’s rearing its ugly head whenever it so desired. I was put on a preventative prescription (Mesalamine) for the Crohn’s, which has, since, helped regulate the pain and other symptoms. Over two years later, I am still taking this medication, and it continues to work (for the most part). I still experience flare-ups every few weeks, in which the stabbing sensation hits me hard and, often, by surprise. That said, the pain is mitigated more easily by heating pads and dietary adjustments upon onset.
The Now: My Current Gut Diagnoses
At the age of 27, I am living life with three gastrointestinal disorders: Crohn’s, SIBO, and IBS, all of which interact and counter one another and require different approaches/measures for handling. Though my anorexia is long in the past, thoughts relative to body image remain very taxing and obtrusive on the daily. Due to my GI issues, I MUST be hyper-aware of what goes into my mouth, to avoid varied measures of physical discomfort and digestive repercussions ranging from severe constipation, diarrhea, nausea, bloating, distention, excessive gas, acid reflux, and/or lower/upper abdominal pressure or pain.
The reality: in many ways, especially of late, I am afraid of eating… frightened for what may happen after consuming the “wrong” sources of food. And this is a recipe for disaster for someone with an eating disorder, even if recovered. When I bloat, I feel miserable physically and just as defeated mentally. Though I readily know that fluid retention and/or gas are not reflective of actual fat/weight gain, my brain automatically goes to its darkest place – I am disgusting. I am better than this. How can I have let myself go? You should be ashamed of yourself, Julia. And so the list goes on and on...
Why Fuel for Success?
This blog series serves as a resource for any and all – for those with GI issues of their own, to those who may have been misdiagnosed or seeking answers, to those who may want to learn more, or those who just find it interesting to read about all things bowel and body dysmorphia.
For me, however, this blog’s purpose is twofold:
1) To log my own progress and level of wellness in the written word as I develop a lifestyle program that allows me to harness the best version of life through nutrition, movement, and mental health awareness.
a. This includes tracking: “happy” foods via
daily nutritional journaling, stress levels, physical GI symptoms (gas, bloating, upper/lower abdominal pain, acid reflux, etc.), bowel movements, workouts/exercise & overall feelings of wellness.
2) To release any thoughts (positive or negative) in affiliation with my own body image and sense of self-worth – letting it all out in the form of a therapeutic outlet that will, hopefully, lead to a greater, more enlightened understanding of who I am and how I can function in the world without falling into a downward depressive spiral that makes food the enemy once again.
From Here
I intend to post a minimum of two entries weekly, which will likely increase as I gain traction with my newly established schedule. In the midst of a boatload of change within the last three months, the inner turmoil of my increased GI symptomology directly mimics that within my mind as I navigate a new chapter in my life. I am excited to see where I go from here and how this series can help not only myself but others at large. Who knows – maybe it could turn into something bigger down the line! I have immeasurable hopes and dreams for my future… so let's sit tight and wait and see.
For now, here’s to A LOT of research, planning, and time management for the new month ahead between a full-time job, training clients, crafting & teaching new fitness class formats, and finding time to care for myself through regular workouts and food preparation.
My personal goals?
1) To find a way to love and appreciate food.
2) To regain the perspective that my body is a powerful entity, capable of so much.
3) To live freely and fully, and no longer allow myself to be so limited across a number of capacities.
Fingers crossed!
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